Physical Intimacy before Marriage

Introduction:

For starters, biblical principles that extensively deal with physical intimacy are not as definite as the one depicting sexual intercourse. Sex is designed and only appropriate under the boundaries of marriage (Hebrews 13:4). However, potential grey areas do not signify that Christians should not strive for maturity and wisdom in the Spirit. In fact, if any Christian thinks that “it’s okay” for them to go as far as possible as long as they do not have sexual intercourse before marriage, that person should probably not be dating. This is stated because every Christian should strive for holiness and honor (1 Thessalonians 4:4), in a way that worthy of the Gospel (Philippians 1:27).

In relation to Lust

Matthew 5:28, a well-known verse, writes: “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Christ further tells us that we should cut off any body part that causes us to sin because it is better for us to lose it than for our whole body to be thrown into hell. Indubitably, His focal point was to instruct us to avoid temptation and sin, just as how it is written in 1 Corinthians 6:18 that we should flee from sexual immorality. Yet, take note of how a simple eye-contact can cause a person to sin – perhaps without even knowing the person whom one is looking at! Hence, how much more tempting could physical intimacy be? If you love someone, would you want to tempt that person so that he/she may fall into sin?

Proverbs 5, titled in the NAS as “forsake lust”, once again portrays physical intimacy between a couple in the boundaries of a marriage bed. Verses 18-19 write: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” Those two verses do not explicitly depict sexual intercourse (as some other verses do), but the principle is clear – that is, physical intimacy is bounded for marriage and there is no alternative.

In fact, lust is categorized as evil and a sin only when it is not in the form of marriage. This can be drawn forth from the next chapter (Proverbs 6), as it writes: “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes” (6:25) – which is directed to an adulteress (6:26), which refers to anyone who may cause you to sin.

In relation to Godliness

Another common verse, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, states that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and because we were brought for a heavy price, our bodies are not our own. Yet, before we get there, in verse 13 it is written that “The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” Therefore, until any couple reaches the point of marriage, their bodies are not theirs nor their partner’s but God’s! Only after they are married does 1 Corinthians 7:4 apply, which states that the wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband’s, and vice-versa – because the two have become one flesh (Mark 10:8). And let no one put asunder what God has joined together (10:9).

If you are unmarried, your body does not belong to you or anyone else. It is the Lord’s.  If you are dating someone, you simply do not have the authority to do pretty much anything in your fleshly desires, or in his/her's, regarding both of your bodies because they belong to God. 1 Timothy 5:1-2 (NLT) writes: "Talk to younger men as you would to your own brothers. Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters." With all that being mentioned, how can an unmarried couple have physical intimacy as if they are of each other? That is anti-biblical and sinful.

2 Timothy 2:22 writes: “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” A pure heart carries a similar connotation as a “clear conscience”. Can an unmarried couple engage in physical or perhaps even sexual intimacy (without intercourse) with a pure heart before the Lord God of Hosts – which His spirit searches all things even the depths of God (1 Corinthians 2:10)? Physical intimacy before marriage may not always be sinful or lustful, but it is truly pure when the two have been bonded as one. If we truly want to obey God's commandments - which reflects our love for Him (John 14:15) - then we should pursue righteousness and a godly life (1 Timothy 6:11). We are called to strive for godliness and holiness – and physical intimacy is only godly and holy under the boundaries of marriage! Nowhere other than the borders of marriage is God pleased when a man and woman are physically intimate.

When is Marriage?

Some of you may not have any problem with all that is written above because you clearly believe that God has joined you and your boyfriend/girlfriend together (quoting Mark 10:9). Moreover, because you think He has joined you two together for marriage, you believe that it is appropriate for greater physical intimacy since you might think that you two are pretty much "married". Well, maybe He has done so like how He did with Ruth and Boaz under His divine sovereignty and providence (Ruth 2:1-4), but the truth is, you are not married until you are by a ceremony or ordinance, which in most cases, is in accordance with law. And if you are truly confident that your relationship with your partner is sustained and led by the Spirit of Jesus, then both of you should strive for greater holiness and godliness. In fact, some of you may think that marriage is just a social ceremony like baptism, in which it does not really mean anything. (one who is baptized does not necessarily mean that one is saved unless one adheres to Catholicism) Yet, instead of comparing marriage to baptism, marriage should be allegorized to Holy Communion (or the Lord’s supper).

A difference between Holy Communion and baptism, in spite of how they are both ordinances displayed in public as a witness and testimony to one’s faith, is that the ceremonial essence of Holy Communion is spiritual. If you consider 1 Corinthians 11:17-34, it is written: “Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died…” (11:27-30) Holy Communion is not only a ritual purposed to display one’s faith to others – it is a spiritual ordinance. (which is why Christians who take Communion lightly will reap consequences)

In the same way, marriage is also a spiritual ceremony because, even though it only appears to be a sign of display to friends and relatives, it directly brings glory and honor to the Creator of both male and female. God’s image is both male and female (Genesis 1:27). How can this fundamental yet powerful ordinance which God designed for one man and woman simply be a public act for display, especially when only through two people becoming one flesh are they able to reflect God's image at a new level (Matthew 19:4-6; Mark 10:6-9)? When a couple gets married, the decree may appear to come from the pastor, but more importantly, it comes from God - explaining why Christians who take marriage highly is consequent to their fear of God and not just man. Galatians 1:10 writes: "Am I trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of God." Hence, one's marriage begins with a social ceremony – which, at the same time and more importantly, is also a spiritual ceremony. Thus, the essential difference between an unmarried couple and a married one lies in the spiritual aspect - the spiritual union of two flesh becoming one - and not in the physical one. 

Conclusion:

I do not write this to draw clear lines in regard to physical intimacy on what is right or wrong to do for a dating couple. Due to cultural differences and rites, there is no way I can set a practical guideline for what is appropriate. Nonetheless, the biblical principle is clear, that is, physical intimacy is only desired by God within the frames of marriage. This does not mean that unmarried couples should be no physical touch whatsoever, but in a way just as how a brother and sister would have physical touch in a pure and innocent manner. All in all, let us remember that until we are married, our bodies belong to God and God only; and with that in mind, let us conduct ourselves in holiness and honor – as vessels worthy of the Gospel.

- Barnabas


PS: You may wonder where does the Bible state that a couple is only officially married through a ceremony. Well, God affirms a couple's marriage through social and cultural ceremonies. (E.g.: Genesis 24, 29; Ruth) Thus, when a couple is married under the decree of man, it is equivalent to God's.