Christian Dating and Marriage (worksheet and article)

Christian Dating and Marriage

 (worksheet & article)

By Barnabas Kwok

**Objective: To help Christians discern whether they should begin dating with the person (of the opposite sex) whom they have an affection for (or, are in love with).
*Disclaimer: I am just a human being in need of God's grace just like everyone else. I write this not to pressurize but to encourage.

For Christians who are actively seeking for a spouse, having standards is highly important because, in all that we do, we desire to be God-honoring – as it is written in 1 Corinthians 10:31 that we should glorify God in everything. And in most cases, glorifying God means that we adhere and obey His standards and ordinances because it is written that anyone who loves Christ will obey His commandments (John 14:23). Hence, if you are interested (or have an emotional affection or whatever) in someone of the opposite sex and you wonder whether you two can get together (as in start dating) on the basis of a mutual affection, this worksheet is for you. (which also means, if you don’t even know the person whom you “love”, don’t think about dating)

The total score of this worksheet is 10 points. In order for the person you have interest in to be “qualified” for you to date, that person must have 8 points or above. As illustrated below, there are four categories: (1) Spirituality and Theology, (2) Personality and Character, (3) Background and other factors, and (4) Confidence in the Spirit (God’s approval). Scroll down for detailed descriptions for each category.

As for the requirements, it is very important that you put down your own preferences for CATEGORIES ONE (1) TO THREE (3) as everyone – even new creations in Christ – are different. I will provide a sample which you can refer to, but it would be better if you would actually take the time and think about what criteria (which I hope is biblical) you want from the special someone whom you are considering about spending the rest of your life with. Think of 6 points for each category and write it down (or type it).

(1)  Spirituality and Theology

1)    One conducts oneself, through the Spirit’s abiding presence, in a manner that is worthy of the Gospel

(Philippians 1:27), so that one may be a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) and honorable vessel (2 Timothy 2:21) for God’s Kingdom.

2)    One must NOT be satisfied with one’s relationship with God and actively seek to grow in His grace and Knowledge (2 Peter 3:8).

a.     One must have a habit of spending time with God, for one’s spiritual-paternal relationship with the Lord God of Hosts is far more important than any other relationship.

                                               i.     A good indicator of one’s relationship of God, aside from how one spends time with Him on a regular basis, is one’s prayer life. Does one devote oneself to prayer (Colossians 4:2), praying at all times in the Spirit with every kind of prayer and supplication (Ephesians 6:18)?

3)    One must be acquainted with solid food and not milk – foundational doctrines of faith. This is witnessed from whether the person, through constant practice, can distinguish what is good from evil (Hebrews 5:11-14).

a.     One must know what it means to be a Christian and the basic concepts of faith (E.g. justification, sanctification, holiness etc.)

4)    One must try one’s utmost best to keep a clear conscience at all times before God and before man (Acts 24:16; 1 Peter 3:16; 1 Timothy 1:19). A clear conscience means that one is cautious of what one is doing (word and deed), and does not do things carelessly for it is written in Proverbs 14:16, “One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless.” Don’t date a fool, let alone marry one.

5)    One must have the mentality to lose one’s life for God’s Kingdom, for it is written that whoever loses one’s life for the sake of Christ will find it (Matthew 10:39).

6)    One must not have conflicting theological views with me (assuming my doctrine is sound).

a.     If I believe in creation, he/she better not believe in evolution – which is unbiblical anyway.

b.     If I believe in complementarianism, he/she better not go for egalitarianism or whatever else there is.

c.     Do we believe that God is the God of miracles, and He will not cease to perform them for His own glory until we see Him face to face (Second Advent) (Matthew 12:22-32; 1 Corinthians 13:8-13; Ephesians 4:12)?

(2)  Personality and Character

1)    Humble. Proverbs 22:4 “The reward for humility and fear of the Lord is riches, honor, and life.”

2)    Has the fruit of the Spirit (as one is constantly filled with the Spirit). One must be loving, joyous, patient, kind, generous, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled (Galatians 5:22-23).

3)    Selfless and seeks the interest of others first (Philippians 2:3).

4)    Responsible and Diligent.

5)    Sober-minded and watchful (1 Peter 5:8).

6)    Modest.

a.     Modesty, in terms of food and clothing, can be a tricky topic because what is considered modest can be highly variable to culture. Yet, the person must know and conduct oneself in manner which one knows that God – who knows the heart and motive – is witness to every situation one is in; and one is trying to witness Him through what one eats and what one wears, knowing that the body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19).

(3)  Background and Other Factors

1)    Attraction: Physically attractive and appealing.

2)    Career: Future career aspirations are compatible with mine.

3)    Culture: Our cultural differences and habitual practices do not hinder our relationship.

a.     Including communication, are there any language barriers?

4)    Class: Can both of us accept, and be compatible with, each other’s (if there is any difference) social class?

5)    Family: Do we have our parent’s approval to further commence this relationship? Can I get along well with his/her family (parents and siblings) and vice versa? Do our ideals for a family align with each other?

6)    History: What type of past does he/she have – especially regarding (supposedly) committed relationships with other people? How did they go?

a.     If the person has a history of getting with the opposite sex for wrong reasons, do you have confidence that the issue is over?

b.     Generally speaking, can I accept his/her past, whether glorious and infamous, and – just as how God would remember our sins no more (Hebrews 8:12) in the sense that His lovingkindness would not be affected by our transgressions – love him/her unconditionally? 

(4)  Confidence and Peace in the Spirit (God’s approval) ****

As you may know, this is the most dominant and vital category, because even if the person scores a 6/6 for categories (1) – (3), that person still does not qualify for you to date her if he / she gets 0 for this slot. (Please remember the scores for this category is either FOUR or ZERO) And in all honesty, dating and marriage is all about the Will of God to take place in our lives, nothing matters more.

Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:9 present a basic fundamental principle of what Christian dating and marriage is: “What therefore God has joined together, let no one put asunder (or separate).” So if you are interested in someone, the first and last question you should be thinking about is whether or not you two are put together through His sovereignty so that both of you may further glorify God through your relationship (the standards help differentiate, meaning if the person gets 0/6 then perhaps God does not want you two together). Biblically speaking, there are many accounts of couples joined together by God’s divine authority, and as mature Christians, we should seek for that to take place in our lives.

Yet, how do we know God’s Will? This is where it gets complicated. First of all (1), are there signs or experiences where God has truly shown you that he/she is the one (not according to our fleshly motives)? Did you get to know this person through your own initiation or through God’s? In other words, because there are no coincidences, did God somehow made you two know each other whereas both of you did not have such intentions? (think about the story of Boaz and Ruth – Ruth 2 – which is perhaps the best example of a couple joined in by God) Secondly (2), in your current friendship, do you have confidence and peace in your interactions with that person as well as confidence and peace with the prospect of both of you being together in a committed relationship? (Think about the supernatural peace Joseph experienced when the angel affirmed Mary to him – Matthew 1:20)

Thirdly (3), consider 2 Corinthians 11:2 and Ephesians 5:27. Paul writes in the Corinthian passage: “For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a pure virgin to Christ” and to the church of Ephesus: “that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” One way to discern whether your relationship will have God’s approval is to envision, when you present your boyfriend/girlfriend to others, as the verses above evoke, whether you are presenting him/her as someone whom you are proud to be with – as if you presenting him/her as a pure virgin to Christ, without blemish!

In other words (For point 3), when you think about introducing your boyfriend/girlfriend to your family and friends, can you introduce him/her with confidence (not in a competitive way though) saying: “This is my boyfriend / girlfriend, and he/she is amazing!”

I believe if all three conditions are met then there is surely God’s approval in your relationship, which signifies that you two getting together falls under God’s sovereign providence.

But what if you are confident of these 4 points, but the total score does not add up to 7? Well, don’t start dating yet – because both of you are probably not compatible to step into a deeper relationship. Yet, this does not instigate that you two cannot start dating at another time when both of you are more equipped in Christ to glorify Him at a different stage in your lives.

Hope this helps!

                                                                           Article on Ruth                                                                          

The Story of Ruth and Boaz is perhaps the best example of a couple joined together by God. It’s amazing because the story’s background is extremely dark and distressing, yet God remains faithful.

God’s divine sovereignty and providence was clearly seen because as Ruth departed and went to glean in the field for leftover grain, she happened to arrive in the field of Boaz (2:3). Ruth did not intend to go to Boaz’s field. Sometime later, somehow Boaz came from Bethlehem and spotted Ruth among all the other times he could have visited his field (2:4); and because he was a close relative of hers, he had the right to take the widow as his wife (Deuteronomy 25). This story resembles God’s will in marriage because it is nearly impossible for such conditions to be met with perfection. Just the fact of Boaz spotting Ruth among all reapers in his wealthy field (Ruth 2:1-7) would not be a natural cause.

Hence, just as Ruth said, “Why have I found favor in your sight that you should take notice of me, since I am a foreigner?” (2:10), also reflects the importance of prioritizing the Will of God in our marriage over the standards we have set – which is why I stress on the 4 points (Confidence and peace in the Spirit) so much. It is by the sovereignty of God which Boaz found favor and loved Ruth. Yet, they had different backgrounds. Ruth was poor (difference in class), jobless (difference in career), a foreigner (racial and culture difference), a widow (issues with history), and despite how she married a Hebrew and boldly declared to Naomi: “your people shall be my people, and your God, my God” (1:16), it is logical to guess that there were probably theological issues as well. Yet, the will of God is greater than our differences.

It is important for us to have standards, but ultimately, let us truly crave for the will of God to take place in our quest for marriage – for it is He who provides and joins together!