The Most Important Question before Dating

The Most Important Question before Dating

As Christians, there are many questions we must consider before entering into a committed relationship. We must consider our prospective boyfriend/girlfriend’s character, theology, living habits, background, past relationships etc. (here’s an article about what to look for in a partner)  Yet, among all the questions that should be asked, I believe that there is one question that trumps all. This question is an immediate tie-breaker, and I even believe this question is more important than whether or not he/she is a Christian. This question is:

“Are you living in sin?”

WHAT  does “Living in sin” mean?

First of all, take note that “living in sin” does not mean to fall into temptation or to stumble, for we all stumble in many ways (Jas 3:2). As people in the flesh, we will obviously have an inner struggle between life in the Spirit and the pull to sin. Yet, to "live in sin" is to be habitually stuck in sin. Living in sin is in the continuous tense. In John's language, it would be "practicing sin" (1 Jn 3:4).

One who is living in sin is stuck in a mess. It entails addictions (drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling etc); idols (anything placed above God: appearance, work, academics, sports, cars, gaming, money, food, women, beauty, social media etc).; and ungodly practices (immodesty, bad language, adultery, gluttony etc.).

WHY is it such a big deal?

1.    A true and mature Christian does not live in sin.

One of the fundamental differences between a believer, a new creation in Christ (2 Cor 5:17), is that one can overcome sin (1 Cor 10:13). Scripture writes that those born of God do not keep on sinning (1 Jn 5:18; Rom 6:2). Some passages even say they cannot keep on sinning (1 Jn 3:9)! If we are in Christ, we are no longer slaves to sin (Rom 6:6) and have been set free (6:7) to experience freedom in Him. In fact, the Bible offers no category for a Christian who is still stuck in sin after knowing Christ, except that one is lukewarm…which probably means that the person isn’t in the Lord?

Despite it is imperative that one who is in the Lord can overcome sin, it doesn’t happen automatically! Scripture tells us to “make every effort…to be holy” (Heb 12:14) and with knowledge, self-control, steadfastness (consistency) and godliness (1 Pet 1:5-7). So, for many people (like me), overcoming sin is a process that requires hard, dedicated work! So, one who is on the way to overcome sin should not be thinking of dating, but focus on overcoming sin through the power of the Spirit! This is because they are ultimately in sin, and are still immature (Heb 5:12-14). I was an immature Christian at one point in my life because there were stuff I needed to deal with. And in that process, I had no thoughts on dating.  

Marriage is not for immature boys and girls, but solid men and women in the Lord. Thus, one who is living in sin should not even think about dating.

      2.    The relationship is unsustainable and will reap horrendous consequences.

How can one, who has not by practice trained themselves to discern good from evil, thus being immature (Heb 5:12-14), know how to handle a godly relationship (life with another person) when one cannot even exercise self-control over one’s own life? In fact, if you are keen on dating while living in sin, are you truly being loving to the person whom you’re trying to date?

Going back to the Old Testament, the major reason why God forbade His people to intermarry with non-believers (Deut 7:3-4; 1 Kings 11:2; Exo 34:15-16 etc.) was not only because they didn’t know the Lord, but that they were living in sin! They were living in idolatry and doing all sorts of ungodly practices! Scripture writes that “they will turn away your heart from following ME [God]” (Deut 7:4; 1 Kings 11:2) and be a snare and a trap for you (Josh 23:13). In fact, one reason that contributed to the Israelite’s destruction was because they intermarried with people in sin.

Thus, not only is a relationship with someone living in sin unsustainable, but horrendous with unimaginable consequences. (Think about your kids) As much as I believe God is a matchmaker, I do not think His will is to join those faithful to those in sin. I believe He prepares the best for those who are faithfully walking in the Spirit.

Of course, God can turn sorrow into joy and mourning into dancing. He can rescue broken relationships. But let’s not get ourselves into one. It's funny how Andy Stanley writes in his book New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating (my paraphrase) that those in a “toxic” relationship will always think that they are the exception and that it’ll eventually work out fine. Exceptions wouldn’t be exceptions if it always happened.

Application

So, if you are seriously considering to date someone, you should really ask the person if he/she is living in sin. (You can probably phrase it nicer) Or ask him/her about his history with sin after knowing the Lord, because if that person is mature, he/she should be in the state where “sin is overcome”.  I acknowledge how this question might sound strange and awkward. But honestly, its better to ask about it as early as possible. It would horrible if you were to found out your boyfriend or girlfriend was living in sin after you started dating—especially if the sin is related to impurity.

Also, look at your prospective bf/gf’s lifestyle. Are there signs that could show that they could be living in sin? For example, if the person you’re interested in uses social media in a way that may not be honouring to God (illicit, inappropriate, dishonourable, immodest stuff), ask about it. If the person seems to be constantly thinking, valuing, or talking about something that’s not related to God, it might be an idol in his or her life.

Conclusion

What do you think God cares more about: your lovey-dovey-ness with your partner or His Kingdom between displayed through your love? I think the answer is pretty clear. Hence, if we claim to be "followers of Christ", people who's objective in life is to extend God's Kingdom, we must prioritize that in our relationships as well.

Sirach, an apocryphal book, writes that a wicked spouse, one who does not fear God and lives in sin, is the worst of all evils (26:5-12). I write this not to cast a heavy burden on anyone but sincerely hoping that Christians would be sober-minded when thinking about who they’re dating. This is because dating someone who is immature does not only affect the immediate couple, but the next generation as well as their Christian testimony. How would a non-believer think when he looks at “a Christian couple” that is plagued with darkness? Would that non-believer be drawn towards Christ and His love displayed through the couple, or would one think of them as hypocrites (for the right reasons)?

So please, let us place Jesus at the center of our lives and focus on becoming more like Him before thinking about dating, especially when one has not reached the Biblical standard of maturity.

With Love,

Barnabas
Biblical and Theological Studies Student at BIOLA University